Posts tagged love

thank you

Snail Crossing  you’ll be given love
you’ll be taken care of
you’ll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head aroundIMG_0712
it’s all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!

 

top photo: Bob Gilbert; bottom photo: Eric Sholomon;  poem by Bjork

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the simple, adorable house

super adobe adorable house

super adobe adorable house

 

As long as I am allowed to indulge in fantasy to some extent …

i’ve wanted to build my own little house for as long as I can remember. as a kid I drew tons of floor plans, some general and some meticulous. so I am reaching back to my childhood to that comfortable place i abandoned … what stimulated this is that  i’ve found [or he found me] someone special who brings out that side of me more and more. He draws me away from my over-serious adult pretendings back to dreams from youth and idealistic, idyllic fantasies that are  the foundation of a created reality that I can actually see myself enjoying living in…

this house plan – reminiscent of childhood doodles – is an example of the manifestation of love I feel  for him:  simple & unabashed, sweet & deeply fulfilling

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rock my boat

I don’t write posts much anymore.
This song is for the person who rocks your world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

You rock my boat

I was feeling pretty good
Thought I finally understood
How to be free, free, free, free
Like the birds, like the bees
Like the wind in the trees
So I went out on a limb
Thinking maybe we could swim
Into the river of light
Into the ocean of pain
Where angels get their wings
Where babies get their names
I wonder if you were aware
How much
You rock my boat
I wonder if you were aware
How much
You rock my boat
I wonder if you were aware
How much
You rock my boat
You rock my boat

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‘I couldn’t stop smiling’

Hey ya’ll been out of communicado, mainly b/c of convienence, lack therof [trying to fix my laptop] and also … not sure how personal I want to get on here, because I never know who’s reading! It’s not that I have things to hide about my life, but more that I worry about hurting someone’s feelings unknowingly … 

So anyway, want to share this experience I had a few weeks ago when I attending a Krishna Das devotional singing ‘concert’ w my friend Angera from work … this excerpt is from a note I wrote to an old friend …

I’m having experiences of a similar ‘divine grace’ through music recently … last night I attended a devotional singing ‘concert’ – called kirtan – with Krishna Das [google him if you don’t know]. I’m going to give you a little bit of background of where I am at in my life at this moment: I ended a six-month long-distance relationship about six weeks ago; met someone new and interesting via internet site [veggiedate] who inspires me in many ways to better myself; around the same time as meeting this person [nay, as a result of meeting this person!], I starting going to 12-step meetings for love/sex addiction to address my cyclical, destructive patterns in regard to relationships [if you’re not sure what that means, think AA, but the drug is love/relationships/sex instead of alcohol]; out of this I decided my top priorities are 1)building a positive relationship to self and 2) building a relationship with a Higher Power; I started meditating, working out consistently etc. So that’s the set up….
Two days ago, while meditating, I realized that I never trusted myself that I could have a direct experience of GOD – always looked for mediation, or turned away; I decided that I would have a direct experience of GOD, that is my goal.

So, Last night I attended this kirtan. It’s a call and response. all the words are in Hindu, different names for GOD – hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare, om nama shivaya etc. But the point is that it is a meditation; as and english-speaker, there is not much ‘meaning’ attached to these words. So you sing them over and over and over and over with a hundred other people and the experience is love, bliss, happiness from GOD and from WITHIN.

I couldn’t stop smiling.

I have done this chanting before, but I really ‘got’ it at this moment in that temple with the vibrations of GOD’s VOICE resonating through these human vocal chords.

OM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also would like to share this image. It’s from a shoot I did yesterday and I think it’s fabulous. Makes me feel like a flower  😀 

Fairy Face

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Mystery of flesh

Here is a poem I can never get enough of. I listened to Bjork’s beautiful, soulful musical rendition of thi the poem this morning ….

I Will Wade Out
E. E. Cummings

i will wade out
till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers
I will take the sun in my mouth
and leap into the ripe air
Alive
with closed eyes
to dash against darkness
in the sleeping curves of my body
Shall enter fingers of smooth mastery
with chasteness of sea-girls
Will i complete the mystery
of my flesh
I will rise
After a thousand years
lipping
flowers
And set my teeth in the silver of the moon

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Postal Service

I resort to posting songs & lyrics when my own words seem inadequate …

Just watch the video …

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oh the mayhem

I keep planning on writing and then spending hours surfing Model Mayhem instead … sheesh. It’s weirdly addictive and probably unhealthy …

But anyway. Couple of things. I wanted to say that the day after I posted the item about PCRM protesting U of M’s use of animals for trauma training .. I was driving in my car and heard on NPR that UofM agreed to stop using live animals!!! Yaay! I was so escstatic I think I actually cheered.

On to the more real to life stuff.  I have been feeling up and down, overall rather depressed lately.  Main reason being that my most recent romantic relationship is over. I mean, I ended it, at the end of a perfectly ‘normal’ and even delightful weekend trip. Even I was not quite expecting it, but I just thought “It can’t go on like this.”  “Like this” is my being totally ambivalent and at times quite dissatisfied, but rationalizing why I should stay in. In the end, I really needed to be back with myself. Which is what I wanted in the first place, six months ago … [the sad part is, he didn’t even protest, fight, try to convince me otherwise. Then, we might’ve had a chance. ]

UPDATE 3/11: A few days later, EXbeau called me to finally tell me how he really felt. What a relief to hear the anger, sadness, etc. for real! We had a great conversation and cried with each other, and at the end came out as friends. I feel good about that. I think it was a new experience for him, and we both got to learn something about ourselves …

UPDATE 3/20: EXbeau and I are not talking.

This is nothing new. I’m really trying to pay attention to the patterns here. I’m someone who has hardly been single since practically the 6th grade when I was kissed on the cheek on the monkey bars… Though I would say I generally am a confident person, I have long defined at least part of myself by my partners.  This is the part that is difficult. I really begin to view my propensity to pair up as an addiction cycle.  It’s like, just when I am feeling most alone, sad, whatever, I can usually find someone who will not only listen but take me away, at least temporarily from that pain. I catch myself going there again and again. I have to stop and tell myself that I have a choice, how could I constructively focus that energy on myself and not on another person?

I don’t think that hiding from pain and lonliness is what I should be doing anymore. Besides, I’m so cynical now from all my ‘failed’ relationships, it’s hard for me to rejoice in the midst of a potentially happy, magical, loving one.

Some of the things I’ve been doing to keep myself ‘sober’ – on the relationship fast, if you will – are swimming (I got a gym membership and loving it!); writing; working on my two current creative persuits: modeling and crafting. They jockey for position, right now the modeling is primary, but I think that crafting will get me more in touch with myself again. I’m hoping to try some collage along with some dreamwork that my Best Friend and I have been sharing …

That’s it for now… Thanks for tuning in to my world!!

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