Archive for August, 2008

Dear Utica

Dear Utica,

My heart is breaking.  Actually, I think it is over, broken, now. The honeymoon is over. I’ve discovered what you’ve been hiding, all while pretending that you were being open, nothing to hide.

How can I express the level of betrayal? I was so naive. My hopes and ambitions for your great potential began to wither and die like grass between concrete cracks in a dry spell … Now I just feel disgusted, alone, trying to find the gems of goodness. A flicker here or there, I go to see what it is, but it is just a fleck of micah in the sidewalk. Nothing to see once up close.

Now I know why people leave, why they run. I wonder if it really is better in other places, or if the ‘real world’ is full of sh*t like you are. 

But I am still here. Maybe I have a morbid need to see this place through to its tragicomic end. The comedy is running thin however. I guess the joke was on me.

When I see through the veneer of lies … I don’t want to look. I want to deny, but it’s compelling, and on some level it all begins to make sense.

The people and places I put my faith in … should I keep trying? Or just look away?

Utica, I’ve lost my sense of humor.

Utica, you broke my heart.

Utica, where everything just spins around, around, around in slow motion. A sad carnival ride … 

Utica, where the sun only shines 90 days a year. Where a hundred languages are spoken. Where the brewery keeps the AA meetings full every day. Where cops are killed and resurrected, over and over. Where fruit trees hide out in public parks. Where the youth stand around and wonder ‘where did the time go?’  Where everyone is an artist of something.

Utica, I love/hate you. 



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Big changes …

My promise to write here has once again fallen flat. The main reason that I have been living transient and off the kindness of others for the past few months, with little internet access (except at work, which I wouldn’t have time to write at anyway).

I’ve had time though to debate with myself the place of public and private on a blog. Seems the lines get blurry. The whole reason a lot of people start blogs is as journals, to share their personal lives. I admit that I started this with a more political, or activist motive. But what have we learned from feminism, if not that the “personal is political”?

I want some things in my life to be public, even if i don’t want to go around to every person I know and tell them about my pain, shame, joy or enlightenment….

So I’ll let you in on some of it right here, because if I haven’t seen you or spoken to you, or if you’ve read this blog in the past and don’t even know who I am, you still might want to know.

I’ll spare you the big long stories.

Here’s what’s been goin’ down.

My husband (of ten months) and I left the land and are now separated. We’ve had 1 and a half great years together.  I’m in a really confusing, weird space with this.

My precious kitty died of pneumonia last week while I was on vacation. We had three wonderful years together.

I just got back from an awesome trip with my best friend in the world. We went on a road trip out west, finally making it to our final destination of Sedona AZ for a few days.

I just got my first tarot deck.

I’m living with some friends – probably the fifth place I’ve lived in the past three months. Looking for an apartment, but also contemplating leaving upstate.

I’m on an allergy elimination diet per my ND.  Starts out with taking all wheat, gluten (oats, barley, rye), dairy, corn, peanuts, tomatoes, potatoes, refined sugar and juice out of the diet and then slowly reintroducing it. So I am ovo-veg right now, but only organic eggs.

Maybe someday I will get back to writing the real stuff I meant to when I started here.  

Thanks for everyone’s support!



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