oh the mayhem

I keep planning on writing and then spending hours surfing Model Mayhem instead … sheesh. It’s weirdly addictive and probably unhealthy …

But anyway. Couple of things. I wanted to say that the day after I posted the item about PCRM protesting U of M’s use of animals for trauma training .. I was driving in my car and heard on NPR that UofM agreed to stop using live animals!!! Yaay! I was so escstatic I think I actually cheered.

On to the more real to life stuff.  I have been feeling up and down, overall rather depressed lately.  Main reason being that my most recent romantic relationship is over. I mean, I ended it, at the end of a perfectly ‘normal’ and even delightful weekend trip. Even I was not quite expecting it, but I just thought “It can’t go on like this.”  “Like this” is my being totally ambivalent and at times quite dissatisfied, but rationalizing why I should stay in. In the end, I really needed to be back with myself. Which is what I wanted in the first place, six months ago … [the sad part is, he didn’t even protest, fight, try to convince me otherwise. Then, we might’ve had a chance. ]

UPDATE 3/11: A few days later, EXbeau called me to finally tell me how he really felt. What a relief to hear the anger, sadness, etc. for real! We had a great conversation and cried with each other, and at the end came out as friends. I feel good about that. I think it was a new experience for him, and we both got to learn something about ourselves …

UPDATE 3/20: EXbeau and I are not talking.

This is nothing new. I’m really trying to pay attention to the patterns here. I’m someone who has hardly been single since practically the 6th grade when I was kissed on the cheek on the monkey bars… Though I would say I generally am a confident person, I have long defined at least part of myself by my partners.  This is the part that is difficult. I really begin to view my propensity to pair up as an addiction cycle.  It’s like, just when I am feeling most alone, sad, whatever, I can usually find someone who will not only listen but take me away, at least temporarily from that pain. I catch myself going there again and again. I have to stop and tell myself that I have a choice, how could I constructively focus that energy on myself and not on another person?

I don’t think that hiding from pain and lonliness is what I should be doing anymore. Besides, I’m so cynical now from all my ‘failed’ relationships, it’s hard for me to rejoice in the midst of a potentially happy, magical, loving one.

Some of the things I’ve been doing to keep myself ‘sober’ – on the relationship fast, if you will – are swimming (I got a gym membership and loving it!); writing; working on my two current creative persuits: modeling and crafting. They jockey for position, right now the modeling is primary, but I think that crafting will get me more in touch with myself again. I’m hoping to try some collage along with some dreamwork that my Best Friend and I have been sharing …

That’s it for now… Thanks for tuning in to my world!!


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