Archive for June, 2009

thank you

Snail Crossing  you’ll be given love
you’ll be taken care of
you’ll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at

trust your head aroundIMG_0712
it’s all around you
all is full of love
all around you

all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!

 

top photo: Bob Gilbert; bottom photo: Eric Sholomon;  poem by Bjork

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coffee buzz

I think I understand why people drink coffee now. I stopped a few months ago, switched to black tea, then just to green. They each have their own “buzz” qualities.  Today I had a mocha-espresso drink (w/rice milk) from the cafe (second time in a week) … “Do more stupid things faster” I believe is the tagline on those retro-looking shirts & signs. It’s true. I’m firing off emails left and right on several topics and researching, talking, multitasking. so that’s good.

The part I don’t like is how I feel this buzz is subtlely masking the actual sadness & amotivation I’ve been experiencing lately. I’m ‘feeling’ those things but moving through space and time and keeping my committments regardless of how I’m ‘feeling’ — that at least gives me a little boost. This morning I woke up at 5:45, went for a run at 6 a.m. – ran 6 miles in this putrid humidity – and made it to work by 8:10 for a breakfast event [I usually get here by 8:45].  

At the same time I am feeling sad, defeated, and, as I said to my BF yesterday “deflated” mainly by a three things on my mind: 1) struggling to meet my fundraising minimum (due next week) for the CCFA half-marathon; 2) BF decided to keep distance [4 hours away] for a bit longer & commute after two weeks of “I’m moving to Detroit” and finding a place to stay here and everything; 3) Trying to get on track to take pre-req classes so I can get a degree that will actually work for me [Dietician/Nutrition or PTA].

So, I guess that’s a lot to think about. It all sort of contributes to an overall feeling of low self-esteem that I am operating on, and makes me wonder if, as they say in 12-step, [paraphrasing] the core of my problem is fundementally low self-esteem. I immediately bristle at the suggestion that I have ‘low self-esteem’ – yet I wonder if it is true …  How can I know? Does it matter? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t …

Thanks for listening/reading. Now back to work.

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Veil uplifted

The dark veil of yesterday lifted while still daylight. My car then proceeded to break down. Oh well.

Here’s a bold concept for a zoo, not sure if I like it, but it will definitely make people think:
“Unnatural Habitats: Rethinking the Modern Zoo” slideshow on FastCompany.com

Been listening to a lot of Bat for Lashes, Utada Hikaru, Cyndi Lauper & other female vocalists lately. I can feel like I am in the company of some strong, creative women even when all alone in my cubicle …

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the darkness within

Suicidal thoughts are fewer and farther in between. But they still happen. I’ve had these feelings as long as I can remember. When I was as young as 6 or 7 years old it was daily and I expressed it very outwardly. Now it occurs only monthly, for a few hours on a given a day, but I turn it inward. Very few ppl know this about me and would probably be shocked … I don’t care. It’s very real for me, even though I know they are just thoughts.  Since I know by now that this feeling passes eventually, it make it somewhat easier to bear. Still, in the moment, and I think anyone who’s experienced depression or hopelessness will tell you this – it seems like an eternity.

When your purposefulness in life seems thwarted, you feel stuck in everything you do, your creative expression is limited by … whatever, internal or external forces … you may think “What am I doing here? What’s the point” … For me I have compulsive imaginings of self-harm.  Walk off this bridge, jump out that window, break my fist into that brick wall, take a knife to … Well anyway you get the idea.   It is compulsion. I don’t act these things out. It’s rather the feeling of just wanting to dissappear, hoping that no one will notice you’ve gone, wanting to leave behind the thousand little mistakes you’ve made b/c you can’t seem to forgive yourself for not being ‘perfect’ even when you know that ‘perfect’ is an illusion.

Knowing and feeling are two different things. I can have knowledge that my ego is playing tricks one me. I can still fee like shit. Because I still gain something from it. … It’s easier to be small than to try to live up to your potential and fail. And fail again. And try again. And fail. I guess it’s a vicious cycle and I’m caught temporarily in the down part. I have to be thankful that my ‘downs’ are much shorter and less frequent … I think. Or am I just supressing that part of myself???

 

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Garden Party & Games Fundraiser for CCFA

GardenParty copy

 

 

Date has been changed to SATURDAY THE 27TH, NOON – 3 PM

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Running for Crohn’s & Colitis research

I haven’t mentioned on this blog yet, but I am running a Half-Marathon in Napa CA in five weeks to raise money for the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America, which does research on those diseases. So far I’ve raised almost $1000 and have $2,900 to raise in the next few weeks! Read on for more info:

My fundraising site: http://www.active.com/donate/napa09michigan/AAsay

I will be hosting a Garden Party & Games fundraiser at my house on June 28th & will post the flyer soon!!

~~~~~

Here’s a little info, taken from my campaign letter:

Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis are collectively known as inflammatory bowel diseases. Crohn’s disease is a chronic (ongoing) disorder that causes inflammation of the digestive or gastrointestinal (GI) tract. Although it can involve any area of the GI tract, it most commonly affects the small intestine and/or colon. Ulcerative colitis on the other hand, affects only the colon. The inflammation involves the entire rectum and extends up the colon in a continuous manner. Ulcerative colitis affects only the innermost lining of the colon, whereas Crohn’s disease can affect the entire thickness of the bowel wall.  It is estimated that as many as 1.4 million Americans have IBD; however, many more suffer in silence due to potential embarrassment and alienation.  While IBD can occur at any age, onset usually occurs in people 15-35 years old, and over 100,000 children are affected.

You probably know someone (besides me) that suffers from either Crohn’s or ulcerative colitis.  I was first diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2001 in my last year of high school just as I began training for a triathlon (which I did not complete due to the illness).  I have been hospitalized from complications on two occasions and although I am in now remission, the doctors diagnosed me with pancolitis [the entire colon involved] in 2007. Training for and running this half marathon is helping me to reclaim my life and is a dream come true for me!

My case is mild, while many young people have to go so far as surgical removal of parts or all of their colon just to lead a relatively normal, pain-free life.  By helping CCFA raise money for research, the prognosis for IBD can be turned around in the near future.

Together, we can make a difference!  As a member of Team Challenge, I have a coach, a training program and teammates to support me. I have committed to a training schedule with additional trainings with my team on the weekends, and I’ve promised to raise at least $3,900 in donations to The Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America. I AM MOTIVATED! I AM COMMITTED!! I WILL DO IT!!! (Watch your mail for my post-event news update.)

By now I hope you agree with me about the importance of this cause. Please help support me by giving generously (think about donating the amount it would cost to go out for dinner and a movie with someone special!). A minimum of 80 cents per dollar raised by CCFA goes directly to research and patient support, and your contribution is tax deductible. Contributing money is a powerful way to be involved when you can’t give your time. If your company matches charitable contributions, please include matching forms with your donation. Of course, your good wishes and positive vibes to sustain me in my training and your praise as I cross the finish line will also be graciously accepted.

The easiest way to donate is on my website.  It’s quick, easy, and totally secure.  The web address is   https://www.active.com/donate/napa09michigan/aasay.  Or you can send a check, made out to Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation, to my address at 2075 Squirrel Rd., Bloomfield Hills, MI  48304Please respond by June 30th!

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the simple, adorable house

super adobe adorable house

super adobe adorable house

 

As long as I am allowed to indulge in fantasy to some extent …

i’ve wanted to build my own little house for as long as I can remember. as a kid I drew tons of floor plans, some general and some meticulous. so I am reaching back to my childhood to that comfortable place i abandoned … what stimulated this is that  i’ve found [or he found me] someone special who brings out that side of me more and more. He draws me away from my over-serious adult pretendings back to dreams from youth and idealistic, idyllic fantasies that are  the foundation of a created reality that I can actually see myself enjoying living in…

this house plan – reminiscent of childhood doodles – is an example of the manifestation of love I feel  for him:  simple & unabashed, sweet & deeply fulfilling

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