the darkness within

Suicidal thoughts are fewer and farther in between. But they still happen. I’ve had these feelings as long as I can remember. When I was as young as 6 or 7 years old it was daily and I expressed it very outwardly. Now it occurs only monthly, for a few hours on a given a day, but I turn it inward. Very few ppl know this about me and would probably be shocked … I don’t care. It’s very real for me, even though I know they are just thoughts.  Since I know by now that this feeling passes eventually, it make it somewhat easier to bear. Still, in the moment, and I think anyone who’s experienced depression or hopelessness will tell you this – it seems like an eternity.

When your purposefulness in life seems thwarted, you feel stuck in everything you do, your creative expression is limited by … whatever, internal or external forces … you may think “What am I doing here? What’s the point” … For me I have compulsive imaginings of self-harm.  Walk off this bridge, jump out that window, break my fist into that brick wall, take a knife to … Well anyway you get the idea.   It is compulsion. I don’t act these things out. It’s rather the feeling of just wanting to dissappear, hoping that no one will notice you’ve gone, wanting to leave behind the thousand little mistakes you’ve made b/c you can’t seem to forgive yourself for not being ‘perfect’ even when you know that ‘perfect’ is an illusion.

Knowing and feeling are two different things. I can have knowledge that my ego is playing tricks one me. I can still fee like shit. Because I still gain something from it. … It’s easier to be small than to try to live up to your potential and fail. And fail again. And try again. And fail. I guess it’s a vicious cycle and I’m caught temporarily in the down part. I have to be thankful that my ‘downs’ are much shorter and less frequent … I think. Or am I just supressing that part of myself???

 

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    alethafaye said,

    Feeling better now. Don’t worry.

  2. 2

    Adele said,

    Hey…do you think you should talk to someone? Like a therapist, I mean. Now is a time in our lives that we are struggling to integrate all these behaviors and emories from the past with the people we are becoming and the new ways of being we are creating. I am getting help with that right now, actually, and I’m so relieved.

    I didn’t realize you were struggling with some darkness recently.
    I think you said you were going to call me some evening. Just try me!

    love,
    Adele


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