Dear Utica

Dear Utica,

My heart is breaking.  Actually, I think it is over, broken, now. The honeymoon is over. I’ve discovered what you’ve been hiding, all while pretending that you were being open, nothing to hide.

How can I express the level of betrayal? I was so naive. My hopes and ambitions for your great potential began to wither and die like grass between concrete cracks in a dry spell … Now I just feel disgusted, alone, trying to find the gems of goodness. A flicker here or there, I go to see what it is, but it is just a fleck of micah in the sidewalk. Nothing to see once up close.

Now I know why people leave, why they run. I wonder if it really is better in other places, or if the ‘real world’ is full of sh*t like you are. 

But I am still here. Maybe I have a morbid need to see this place through to its tragicomic end. The comedy is running thin however. I guess the joke was on me.

When I see through the veneer of lies … I don’t want to look. I want to deny, but it’s compelling, and on some level it all begins to make sense.

The people and places I put my faith in … should I keep trying? Or just look away?

Utica, I’ve lost my sense of humor.

Utica, you broke my heart.

Utica, where everything just spins around, around, around in slow motion. A sad carnival ride … 

Utica, where the sun only shines 90 days a year. Where a hundred languages are spoken. Where the brewery keeps the AA meetings full every day. Where cops are killed and resurrected, over and over. Where fruit trees hide out in public parks. Where the youth stand around and wonder ‘where did the time go?’  Where everyone is an artist of something.

Utica, I love/hate you. 



4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    ClapSo said,

    Truth is, everywhere else sucks as bad as here…

    The scientifically impossible I do right away
    The spiritually miraculous takes a bit longer

  2. 2

    Barrymax said,

    I’m thinkin New Mexico myself…but I actually love this depressing place. it says a lot about me.
    I have walked the streets with my son when no one else is out and i see a side of Utica anyone and everyone would love.
    But then the people wake up and start coming outside, talking, breathing, wasting our precious air.
    It is not you ‘A-game’…it’s is the world trying to get to you.
    It is not your fault.
    Utica actually needs people who are concious and fearless…at the same time.
    I realize just how full of shit and afraid of change people really are.
    Look at the L&T.
    Anything political that slightly leans left they cut. Looka t R.A Dudrak manifesto’s they have been printing. he claims peak oil is bullshit.
    I am ready to do my own thing on every level.
    Rock the foundation, shake the earth, wake sleeping people up!!!
    the cup is half full

  3. 3

    ami said,

    Your hope & faith in Utica has always been inspiring to me, and probably rubbed off a little. Seeing that someone from Connecticut who went to Hamilton thought this wasn’t just a shithole made me think maybe Utica was going in the right direction. It’d be sad to see you give up on it altogether, although I’m not always in love with Utica myself. IMO, the sum is greater than its parts; the Mohawk Valley is a lot more & better than just Utica. Stick around?

  4. 4

    alethafaye said,

    Thanks you guys. anyone who lives in this area for a certain amount of time understands the love/hate relationship. And maybe it’s a universal phenomenon. I’m not giving up. I just got disillusioned (I know, most people that only takes a few days, weeks – took me a few years, maybe I’m naive and trusting). There are things keeping me here for now. I’m looking to move on within the year probably.
    Thanks for all your comments and support.

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