I think I understand why people drink coffee now. I stopped a few months ago, switched to black tea, then just to green. They each have their own “buzz” qualities. Today I had a mocha-espresso drink (w/rice milk) from the cafe (second time in a week) … “Do more stupid things faster” I believe is the tagline on those retro-looking shirts & signs. It’s true. I’m firing off emails left and right on several topics and researching, talking, multitasking. so that’s good.
The part I don’t like is how I feel this buzz is subtlely masking the actual sadness & amotivation I’ve been experiencing lately. I’m ‘feeling’ those things but moving through space and time and keeping my committments regardless of how I’m ‘feeling’ — that at least gives me a little boost. This morning I woke up at 5:45, went for a run at 6 a.m. – ran 6 miles in this putrid humidity – and made it to work by 8:10 for a breakfast event [I usually get here by 8:45].
At the same time I am feeling sad, defeated, and, as I said to my BF yesterday “deflated” mainly by a three things on my mind: 1) struggling to meet my fundraising minimum (due next week) for the CCFA half-marathon; 2) BF decided to keep distance [4 hours away] for a bit longer & commute after two weeks of “I’m moving to Detroit” and finding a place to stay here and everything; 3) Trying to get on track to take pre-req classes so I can get a degree that will actually work for me [Dietician/Nutrition or PTA].
So, I guess that’s a lot to think about. It all sort of contributes to an overall feeling of low self-esteem that I am operating on, and makes me wonder if, as they say in 12-step, [paraphrasing] the core of my problem is fundementally low self-esteem. I immediately bristle at the suggestion that I have ‘low self-esteem’ – yet I wonder if it is true … How can I know? Does it matter? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t …
Thanks for listening/reading. Now back to work.
Suicidal thoughts are fewer and farther in between. But they still happen. I’ve had these feelings as long as I can remember. When I was as young as 6 or 7 years old it was daily and I expressed it very outwardly. Now it occurs only monthly, for a few hours on a given a day, but I turn it inward. Very few ppl know this about me and would probably be shocked … I don’t care. It’s very real for me, even though I know they are just thoughts. Since I know by now that this feeling passes eventually, it make it somewhat easier to bear. Still, in the moment, and I think anyone who’s experienced depression or hopelessness will tell you this – it seems like an eternity.
When your purposefulness in life seems thwarted, you feel stuck in everything you do, your creative expression is limited by … whatever, internal or external forces … you may think “What am I doing here? What’s the point” … For me I have compulsive imaginings of self-harm. Walk off this bridge, jump out that window, break my fist into that brick wall, take a knife to … Well anyway you get the idea. It is compulsion. I don’t act these things out. It’s rather the feeling of just wanting to dissappear, hoping that no one will notice you’ve gone, wanting to leave behind the thousand little mistakes you’ve made b/c you can’t seem to forgive yourself for not being ‘perfect’ even when you know that ‘perfect’ is an illusion.
Knowing and feeling are two different things. I can have knowledge that my ego is playing tricks one me. I can still fee like shit. Because I still gain something from it. … It’s easier to be small than to try to live up to your potential and fail. And fail again. And try again. And fail. I guess it’s a vicious cycle and I’m caught temporarily in the down part. I have to be thankful that my ’downs’ are much shorter and less frequent … I think. Or am I just supressing that part of myself???
I keep planning on writing and then spending hours surfing Model Mayhem instead … sheesh. It’s weirdly addictive and probably unhealthy …
But anyway. Couple of things. I wanted to say that the day after I posted the item about PCRM protesting U of M’s use of animals for trauma training .. I was driving in my car and heard on NPR that UofM agreed to stop using live animals!!! Yaay! I was so escstatic I think I actually cheered.
On to the more real to life stuff. I have been feeling up and down, overall rather depressed lately. Main reason being that my most recent romantic relationship is over. I mean, I ended it, at the end of a perfectly ‘normal’ and even delightful weekend trip. Even I was not quite expecting it, but I just thought “It can’t go on like this.” “Like this” is my being totally ambivalent and at times quite dissatisfied, but rationalizing why I should stay in. In the end, I really needed to be back with myself. Which is what I wanted in the first place, six months ago … [the sad part is, he didn't even protest, fight, try to convince me otherwise. Then, we might've had a chance. ]
UPDATE 3/11: A few days later, EXbeau called me to finally tell me how he really felt. What a relief to hear the anger, sadness, etc. for real! We had a great conversation and cried with each other, and at the end came out as friends. I feel good about that. I think it was a new experience for him, and we both got to learn something about ourselves …
UPDATE 3/20: EXbeau and I are not talking.
This is nothing new. I’m really trying to pay attention to the patterns here. I’m someone who has hardly been single since practically the 6th grade when I was kissed on the cheek on the monkey bars… Though I would say I generally am a confident person, I have long defined at least part of myself by my partners. This is the part that is difficult. I really begin to view my propensity to pair up as an addiction cycle. It’s like, just when I am feeling most alone, sad, whatever, I can usually find someone who will not only listen but take me away, at least temporarily from that pain. I catch myself going there again and again. I have to stop and tell myself that I have a choice, how could I constructively focus that energy on myself and not on another person?
I don’t think that hiding from pain and lonliness is what I should be doing anymore. Besides, I’m so cynical now from all my ‘failed’ relationships, it’s hard for me to rejoice in the midst of a potentially happy, magical, loving one.
Some of the things I’ve been doing to keep myself ’sober’ – on the relationship fast, if you will – are swimming (I got a gym membership and loving it!); writing; working on my two current creative persuits: modeling and crafting. They jockey for position, right now the modeling is primary, but I think that crafting will get me more in touch with myself again. I’m hoping to try some collage along with some dreamwork that my Best Friend and I have been sharing …
That’s it for now… Thanks for tuning in to my world!!
Life seems to be best encapsulated by music (for me lyrics usually) but I will refrain from posting an entire song on here today. The one that’s been running through my mind is Synthesized by The Epoxies (again, another DDR-X pick). Look it up on you tube if you want. ‘Nuff said.
Anyhow .. have been feeling more creative lately and small bit sof narrative, story, questions, etc. are coming out. The challenge is to keep them going, hopefully to produce something tangible. We shall see.
In other news … have been working on modeling, putting together a portfolio. I should have some photos up on flickr soon from two photographers I met … Also secured a position [on-call] figure modeling for a large art center in the area. Have yet to do a class there though.
Hey check out my etsy shop! www.alethafaye.etsy.com – Free form and custom crochet & knit goods.
The last post may have sounded rather, well , sad & depressed … b/c that’s how I was feeling.. I thought I was abruptly and uncomfortably, at the end of a relationship. I was wrong, and it’s on the mend.
I’d like to balance those lyrics with the lyrics of this song, which I’ve heard wayyy too many times lately due to a steady dose of DDR:
You Are Always on My Mind (Pet Shop Boys)
Maybe I didnt treat you quite as good as I should
Maybe I didnt love you quite as often as I could
Little things I shouldve said and done, I never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didnt hold you all those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you, Im so happy that youre mine
If I made you feel second best, Im so sorry, I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
Satisfied
Little things I shouldve said and done, I never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Maybe I didnt treat you quite as good as I should
Maybe I didnt love you quite as often as I could
Maybe I didnt hold you all those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you, Im so happy that youre mine
(maybe I didnt love you…)
Thought I’d post some shots of the home base here in frigid southeast Michigan … I was somehow tricked into (wanting to rationalize) that winter would be milder here. Not true! Down to below 0 last night and having a 500+ yard driveway doesn’t help matters … When am I going to find enough daylight to snowblow it?
The room of my own. Notica the copius amounts of craft stuff in the corner. That’s pretty much all I brough 
Essential items of note: Sewing machine, yoga mat, and space heater … and about this much yarn:
Needless to say, it is pretty warm & cozy.
Can’t believe how fast time goes by. It’s been weeks since my last post here.
Getting into a groove with work and home life. It’s all rather bland right now, but that’s kind of how I wanted it. Taking one thing at a time.
I am going to visit Utica NY next week for the holidays, and spending this weekend with my parents and other relatives, who are coming to the big D suburbs to celebrate.
I’m feeling a bit … dissappointed? Because this blog thing hasn’t turned out to be what I would have liked, mostly because I don’t have a good internet connection at home, so I am not much motivated to write, and write in a public space such as this. I don’t even much write for myself anymore. Mostly I find that I am overwhelmed by the amount of information and media that I come into contact with everyday, that to try to organize my thoughts into any meaningful pattern seem daunting, and often, futile. There are soooo many people out there spewing their thoughts and opinions … it’s impossible to digest it all. Does my tiny drop in that ocean make any difference? Sometimes I feel it doesn’t even make a difference for me …
Seems I might actually have and audience here … As my life becomes scattered, geographically, there must be some centralized narrative for those I’m no longer in daily contact with …
HOLLA!
Anyway.
Monday I moved into a cute little 1950s house with my cousin (through marriage) and her seven-year-old son (part of the time). It sits on 5 acres, in a suburb of Detroit, right next to a highway. There are two pear trees in the backyard, which are obviously too late to harvest, but I thought it charming. We eat homemade Indian food almost every night, I finally have my own closet and my own room, just a little space of one’s own, right?
By the graces of good karma and influential family, it appears that I will be starting a job next week, one dealing with people mainly, and NOT computers, so I am happy about that.
This is some kind of commercial mecca … strip malls and housing developments EVERYWHERE. Definitely lacking the personality of upstate NY… My best discoveries so far have not been the Banana Republic and J. Crew, where I will probably never shop, but the Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s that are both 5 miles from my house, and the nearby Salvation Army (which is clean, organized and cheerful).
It seems that people really come out of the woodwork when we go through transitions … have been talking to several people the past few days and I really appreciate the support. It is quiet, a kind of mini-vacation, and I miss the familiar faces and friends I have in Utica.
Right now we’ve got to prepare for the family Thanksgiving & Christmas and some other functions to be held at my aunt’s house here. When I say family, I mean several grandparents, seven sets of (my) aunts & uncles with their various children etc., so it’s no small occasion. I am thankful to be so near to them now.
