http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/05/business/05smart.html
Don’t be fooled by a stupid label. The foods that are best for you, generally don’t have any packaging or labels!! Fruits & Veggies!!! DUH.
Archive for Healing
thank you
you’ll be given love
you’ll be taken care of
you’ll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
trust your head around
it’s all around you
all is full of love
all around you
all is full of love
you just aint receiving
all is full of love
your phone is off the hook
all is full of love
your doors are all shut
all is full of love!
top photo: Bob Gilbert; bottom photo: Eric Sholomon; poem by Bjork
coffee buzz
I think I understand why people drink coffee now. I stopped a few months ago, switched to black tea, then just to green. They each have their own “buzz” qualities. Today I had a mocha-espresso drink (w/rice milk) from the cafe (second time in a week) … “Do more stupid things faster” I believe is the tagline on those retro-looking shirts & signs. It’s true. I’m firing off emails left and right on several topics and researching, talking, multitasking. so that’s good.
The part I don’t like is how I feel this buzz is subtlely masking the actual sadness & amotivation I’ve been experiencing lately. I’m ‘feeling’ those things but moving through space and time and keeping my committments regardless of how I’m ‘feeling’ — that at least gives me a little boost. This morning I woke up at 5:45, went for a run at 6 a.m. – ran 6 miles in this putrid humidity – and made it to work by 8:10 for a breakfast event [I usually get here by 8:45].
At the same time I am feeling sad, defeated, and, as I said to my BF yesterday “deflated” mainly by a three things on my mind: 1) struggling to meet my fundraising minimum (due next week) for the CCFA half-marathon; 2) BF decided to keep distance [4 hours away] for a bit longer & commute after two weeks of “I’m moving to Detroit” and finding a place to stay here and everything; 3) Trying to get on track to take pre-req classes so I can get a degree that will actually work for me [Dietician/Nutrition or PTA].
So, I guess that’s a lot to think about. It all sort of contributes to an overall feeling of low self-esteem that I am operating on, and makes me wonder if, as they say in 12-step, [paraphrasing] the core of my problem is fundementally low self-esteem. I immediately bristle at the suggestion that I have ‘low self-esteem’ – yet I wonder if it is true … How can I know? Does it matter? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t …
Thanks for listening/reading. Now back to work.
the darkness within
Suicidal thoughts are fewer and farther in between. But they still happen. I’ve had these feelings as long as I can remember. When I was as young as 6 or 7 years old it was daily and I expressed it very outwardly. Now it occurs only monthly, for a few hours on a given a day, but I turn it inward. Very few ppl know this about me and would probably be shocked … I don’t care. It’s very real for me, even though I know they are just thoughts. Since I know by now that this feeling passes eventually, it make it somewhat easier to bear. Still, in the moment, and I think anyone who’s experienced depression or hopelessness will tell you this – it seems like an eternity.
When your purposefulness in life seems thwarted, you feel stuck in everything you do, your creative expression is limited by … whatever, internal or external forces … you may think “What am I doing here? What’s the point” … For me I have compulsive imaginings of self-harm. Walk off this bridge, jump out that window, break my fist into that brick wall, take a knife to … Well anyway you get the idea. It is compulsion. I don’t act these things out. It’s rather the feeling of just wanting to dissappear, hoping that no one will notice you’ve gone, wanting to leave behind the thousand little mistakes you’ve made b/c you can’t seem to forgive yourself for not being ‘perfect’ even when you know that ‘perfect’ is an illusion.
Knowing and feeling are two different things. I can have knowledge that my ego is playing tricks one me. I can still fee like shit. Because I still gain something from it. … It’s easier to be small than to try to live up to your potential and fail. And fail again. And try again. And fail. I guess it’s a vicious cycle and I’m caught temporarily in the down part. I have to be thankful that my ’downs’ are much shorter and less frequent … I think. Or am I just supressing that part of myself???
Garden Party & Games Fundraiser for CCFA
Date has been changed to SATURDAY THE 27TH, NOON – 3 PM
the simple, adorable house
super adobe adorable house
As long as I am allowed to indulge in fantasy to some extent …
i’ve wanted to build my own little house for as long as I can remember. as a kid I drew tons of floor plans, some general and some meticulous. so I am reaching back to my childhood to that comfortable place i abandoned … what stimulated this is that i’ve found [or he found me] someone special who brings out that side of me more and more. He draws me away from my over-serious adult pretendings back to dreams from youth and idealistic, idyllic fantasies that are the foundation of a created reality that I can actually see myself enjoying living in…
this house plan – reminiscent of childhood doodles – is an example of the manifestation of love I feel for him: simple & unabashed, sweet & deeply fulfilling
‘I couldn’t stop smiling’
Hey ya’ll been out of communicado, mainly b/c of convienence, lack therof [trying to fix my laptop] and also … not sure how personal I want to get on here, because I never know who’s reading! It’s not that I have things to hide about my life, but more that I worry about hurting someone’s feelings unknowingly …
So anyway, want to share this experience I had a few weeks ago when I attending a Krishna Das devotional singing ‘concert’ w my friend Angera from work … this excerpt is from a note I wrote to an old friend …
I’m having experiences of a similar ‘divine grace’ through music recently … last night I attended a devotional singing ‘concert’ – called kirtan – with Krishna Das [google him if you don't know]. I’m going to give you a little bit of background of where I am at in my life at this moment: I ended a six-month long-distance relationship about six weeks ago; met someone new and interesting via internet site [veggiedate] who inspires me in many ways to better myself; around the same time as meeting this person [nay, as a result of meeting this person!], I starting going to 12-step meetings for love/sex addiction to address my cyclical, destructive patterns in regard to relationships [if you're not sure what that means, think AA, but the drug is love/relationships/sex instead of alcohol]; out of this I decided my top priorities are 1)building a positive relationship to self and 2) building a relationship with a Higher Power; I started meditating, working out consistently etc. So that’s the set up….
Two days ago, while meditating, I realized that I never trusted myself that I could have a direct experience of GOD – always looked for mediation, or turned away; I decided that I would have a direct experience of GOD, that is my goal.
So, Last night I attended this kirtan. It’s a call and response. all the words are in Hindu, different names for GOD – hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare, om nama shivaya etc. But the point is that it is a meditation; as and english-speaker, there is not much ‘meaning’ attached to these words. So you sing them over and over and over and over with a hundred other people and the experience is love, bliss, happiness from GOD and from WITHIN.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
I have done this chanting before, but I really ‘got’ it at this moment in that temple with the vibrations of GOD’s VOICE resonating through these human vocal chords.
OM
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Also would like to share this image. It’s from a shoot I did yesterday and I think it’s fabulous. Makes me feel like a flower :D
Postal Service
I resort to posting songs & lyrics when my own words seem inadequate …
Just watch the video …
True friendship is with the self & serendipity
I feel like I’ve had so many conversations and learned so much about myself since my last post, five days ago.
Most recently – fifteen minutes ago I got off the phone with my good friend, Sarah, that I met through Landmark {she’s pretty much been a mentor for me through some of my hardest times over the past four years}… she has an amazing listening for clarity and is able to discern what I am trying to say, with no judgement, no matter how badly I might be saying it … but anyway
After catching up a bit, we started talking about my ‘relationship issues’ – {mainly I am writing this here as a journal so that I don’t forget – there’s a chance this may get too personal for you in which case, skip to another post or site!!} – here is the clarity I gained from that conversation:
1) I have one truly awesome and amazing friendship where I have total freedom, intimacy (not sexual!), exploration, and true commitment – I can’t imagine anything tearing us apart, it’s just unquestionable that we will be there for each other, forever – that is my best friend who’s living in CA.
2) Why don’t I have that with anyone else? Because I settle. and maybe because I don’t believe I can have/deserve to have that great relationship with anyone else.
3) Put sex into the equation and I become dependent, needy, and lose my sense of self. I think the other person only likes me because they are ‘getting something’ from me. (Why? this is another exploration. For now I will simply acknowledge this.) In the past, I have given up my time, sleep, health, my sense of confidence in myself as I become more dependent.
4) I have been avoiding a ‘real relationship’ or dating or whatever even though it is a natural inclination for me because I know these things about myself and want to be able to retain my power, even in a sexual relationship — I am cautious to enter into that space because I ‘know’ what happens and the perceived loss of control
However, it doesn’t always have to go that way – just because it has in the past for me.
5) What’s missing is for me to [consistenly] acknowlege my own greatness [and not push away that acknowledgement when it comes from others]; and ….
Ok I’m stuck here but I’m going to talk to Sarah again Saturday to go further with this.
In one part of the conversation, Sarah brought me back to when I first met Adele, my best friend, to see that instantaneous, almost coincidental meeting and connection we had, and to realize that I have, as recently as a few months ago, had this instantaneous connection with one other person. Of course the depth of what I’ve created with Adele over the years – we’ll have to see if that is duplicated (there I go being cautious again!)
*Sigh*
I am creating a life where I am stable, happy, independent and creating a framework, support network for that is the challenge.
Comments always welcomed. I feel this topic/post is incomplete and may add to it later…
oh the mayhem
I keep planning on writing and then spending hours surfing Model Mayhem instead … sheesh. It’s weirdly addictive and probably unhealthy …
But anyway. Couple of things. I wanted to say that the day after I posted the item about PCRM protesting U of M’s use of animals for trauma training .. I was driving in my car and heard on NPR that UofM agreed to stop using live animals!!! Yaay! I was so escstatic I think I actually cheered.
On to the more real to life stuff. I have been feeling up and down, overall rather depressed lately. Main reason being that my most recent romantic relationship is over. I mean, I ended it, at the end of a perfectly ‘normal’ and even delightful weekend trip. Even I was not quite expecting it, but I just thought “It can’t go on like this.” “Like this” is my being totally ambivalent and at times quite dissatisfied, but rationalizing why I should stay in. In the end, I really needed to be back with myself. Which is what I wanted in the first place, six months ago … [the sad part is, he didn't even protest, fight, try to convince me otherwise. Then, we might've had a chance. ]
UPDATE 3/11: A few days later, EXbeau called me to finally tell me how he really felt. What a relief to hear the anger, sadness, etc. for real! We had a great conversation and cried with each other, and at the end came out as friends. I feel good about that. I think it was a new experience for him, and we both got to learn something about ourselves …
UPDATE 3/20: EXbeau and I are not talking.
This is nothing new. I’m really trying to pay attention to the patterns here. I’m someone who has hardly been single since practically the 6th grade when I was kissed on the cheek on the monkey bars… Though I would say I generally am a confident person, I have long defined at least part of myself by my partners. This is the part that is difficult. I really begin to view my propensity to pair up as an addiction cycle. It’s like, just when I am feeling most alone, sad, whatever, I can usually find someone who will not only listen but take me away, at least temporarily from that pain. I catch myself going there again and again. I have to stop and tell myself that I have a choice, how could I constructively focus that energy on myself and not on another person?
I don’t think that hiding from pain and lonliness is what I should be doing anymore. Besides, I’m so cynical now from all my ‘failed’ relationships, it’s hard for me to rejoice in the midst of a potentially happy, magical, loving one.
Some of the things I’ve been doing to keep myself ’sober’ – on the relationship fast, if you will – are swimming (I got a gym membership and loving it!); writing; working on my two current creative persuits: modeling and crafting. They jockey for position, right now the modeling is primary, but I think that crafting will get me more in touch with myself again. I’m hoping to try some collage along with some dreamwork that my Best Friend and I have been sharing …
That’s it for now… Thanks for tuning in to my world!!
