new world dawn

I think I understand why people drink coffee now. I stopped a few months ago, switched to black tea, then just to green. They each have their own “buzz” qualities.  Today I had a mocha-espresso drink (w/rice milk) from the cafe (second time in a week) … “Do more stupid things faster” I believe is the tagline on those retro-looking shirts & signs. It’s true. I’m firing off emails left and right on several topics and researching, talking, multitasking. so that’s good.

The part I don’t like is how I feel this buzz is subtlely masking the actual sadness & amotivation I’ve been experiencing lately. I’m ‘feeling’ those things but moving through space and time and keeping my committments regardless of how I’m ‘feeling’ — that at least gives me a little boost. This morning I woke up at 5:45, went for a run at 6 a.m. – ran 6 miles in this putrid humidity – and made it to work by 8:10 for a breakfast event [I usually get here by 8:45].  

At the same time I am feeling sad, defeated, and, as I said to my BF yesterday “deflated” mainly by a three things on my mind: 1) struggling to meet my fundraising minimum (due next week) for the CCFA half-marathon; 2) BF decided to keep distance [4 hours away] for a bit longer & commute after two weeks of “I’m moving to Detroit” and finding a place to stay here and everything; 3) Trying to get on track to take pre-req classes so I can get a degree that will actually work for me [Dietician/Nutrition or PTA].

So, I guess that’s a lot to think about. It all sort of contributes to an overall feeling of low self-esteem that I am operating on, and makes me wonder if, as they say in 12-step, [paraphrasing] the core of my problem is fundementally low self-esteem. I immediately bristle at the suggestion that I have ‘low self-esteem’ – yet I wonder if it is true …  How can I know? Does it matter? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t …

Thanks for listening/reading. Now back to work.